The Adventures of Darcey & Watson

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

May 18, 2020 Entry 1: Emptiness. A void of emotion. A place where worth and value ends. Where all that exists is nothingness. No positive feelings. No pain or despair. The void ceases to swirl in its violent way. Just an empty shell of human flesh. Still capable of reflecting emotions back to those around, but all they are is mere shadows of the original. Clever is this emptiness as it invades the deepest parts. Clever due to its ability to play pretend. So masterful in the art that others often fail to see beyond. I am the emptiness.

Entry 2: The void. On closer examination, my opinion has altered. Yes, I still believe it is like a swirling vortex of negative emotions, but also more. Think of the word itself. V-O-I-D. Like voiding a check. It is a verb as well. It acts by deflecting, rejecting, and nullifying. But in the sense of the void I have been referring to, what is it deflecting, rejecting, and nullifying? Light. Positive emotions, good thoughts. Worth. The list goes on.

Entry 3: Hello void. Hello nothingness. It's me. The person who you engulfed and are holding hostage. What is the ransom? How much longer am I to be consumed? Why, when I am starting to finally feel a smidgen of relief do you wrap your ugly, dark, cruel, sharp, and painful hands around my heart, mind, throat, stomach, and eyes? What have I done to deserve this? Will you ever let me go? Will I ever be free? Why is it that since you have been around, you make me want to run, hide, and cry all at once? I hate you. But you are almost all I know... GO AWAY!

Entry 4 (Sorry for the swear word): Why do the words of others hurt me so bad? Why does it matter what they think? Is it because of my past? Maybe... Is it because I am a words of affirmation person? Maybe? Or is it because I try so fucking hard to love others and see their perspective on things that when they judge and criticize me on stupid, insignificant stuff that I break down. The mask I was holding up for their benefit shatters and I try to escape into the thing I know. The all consuming void and nothingness that has been my constant companion for the better part of my life.

Entry 5: Miss L said to write something less saddening than I have been writing. I am not sure where to start... I talked with my aunt S today. It was good to hear her voice, though I don't remember much of what she said. Next was Darcey, he shared with me that the girls are still playing piano and Harley and Maevis apparently miss me. Finally, I had a conversation with my mom. I miss her hugs and the hours we spend talking about everything under the sun. All of these people love me and are praying for me to receive the help I need while I'm here. Here's hoping for a good sleep tonight...

Entry 6: Words I find amusing: Fiddlesticks, Baffled, Bamboozle, Befuddle, Flabbergasted

On this day, I was feeling pretty alright, but then someone criticized something I did and I started to spiral again. It was at that moment that I realized that I was not at a point where I should leave the hospital yet. Throughout the next few days, I came up with the goal of being able to face my negative emotions and not let them control me to the point of spiraling down into the void. Mindfulness techniques really helped in achieving this goal. That is not to say that I do not still have moments of feeling down, but I can bounce back easier.

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

May 17, 2020 Entry 1: Sometimes I wish I was Batman. Or a superhero from the comics. Someone with a tragic past, who has survived depression and dark emotions, funneling those deep feelings into protecting others and fighting for justice. Is there hope for me to find something to fight for? Is there someone I can protect? Can the void be of use? What hope is there for the void that is me?

I was feeling a little better on this day. I was trying to find what I could live for. It felt like I was on the cusp of becoming either a hero or villain of my own story. One thing that heroes and villains have in common is usually a tragic past or misunderstanding that propels them in one of two directions. Though my thoughts are sometimes consuming, I always feel that I can protect others and live for them.

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

This day starts with me being unable to sleep due to a million thoughts running through my mind. So I woke up and wrote a bunch of questions down. The first entry for this day contains only the philosophical questions, not the other 50 random ones.

May 16, 2020 Entry 1: What is the point of existing? Why am I worth keeping around? Why do I only see darkness in my future? Am I honestly not a burden? To anyone? Why am I useless? Why do people change their interactions with me based off of what they discover about my past and not based on how I've behaved presently? Why am I scared to go home?

Entry 2: What is a "good" morning? What labels a morning as "good"? I feel that it is more perspective than the morning itself being "good". For example, I may look at these "art" projects I have created with crayon and watercolor and want to throw them away, yet I keep them... why? Because others have put worth in them. If others said it was trash, I would not keep them. It is much the same with me. I see no worth in myself. I, myself, am not worth it. (whatever "it" is...). But others say I am. IT is hard to believe them, but maybe they are right? Should I try to see this "worth" they see? I certainly see their worth. Or should I just give up? I'm tired of trying. To me, hearing I have worth has as much weight as hearing someone say, "the sky is falling."

Entry 3: What is the void? Some say it is a place of nothingness. Personally, I believe it is a plethora of emotions, swirling chaotically together in an endless barrage of unwanted, yet all-consuming feeling. As more emotions get pulled into this mess, the person at the center of the void ceases to understand their life outside the void. But, like a black hole, destroying all that come too near, the person becomes consumed. Do they still exist? Or is their identity now this pool of emotions? Are they a person, or are they the void?

This sheds a little light on what I mean when I mention the "void" in my blog posts. Later on in my stay at the hospital, I learn how to name the emotions I am feeling and that helped tremendously. To be able to label the emotions and work through them as they pertained to me. If you are interested in naming your emotions, please contact me and I will send you the papers I received.

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

May 15, 2020 Entry 1: Stardate 05152020: I have achieved something. Today I finished two books, walked a long time (albeit in circles in the day room), made a map of my room, talked with doctors and nurses, and feel more comfortable asking for things. Like this pencil I am writing with (I was writing with crayon prior) I quite like it here, even if I feel like a burden to the nurses and doctors. Even if I feel I am being babied. I feel safe. The weight of feeling I need to protect myself from...myself is mostly lifted. If I start thinking down that path, I simply leave the door open or go out in the dayroom. End Log

As is pretty evident, I was feeling better on this day. Not 100%, but it is nice to have relief, even if it is fleeting. Those who have depression, or struggle with their mental health, have up days and down days. The doctors say it is normal to fluctuate like this. Thankfully, with my medication, my down days are not as low as they were prior to and while in the hospital. Praise God for that.

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

This is the second installment in the journal series from my stay in the hospital.

May 14, 2020 Entry 1: I am of the opinion that even though I feel I have no purpose or worth, I can try my best to make others happy and not to worry them. The problem with this frame of thinking is the part where I try to depend on my making others happy at the cost of myself. At what point will I fall back into the void? At what point will it not be enough? Others are not reliable enough to sustain my longing to be whole. At which point, should I even stay around? Would I be remembered? What if my existence is causing others pain? I cannot handle that. So, in the end, I'm not worth it.

Entry 2: Tire, but there is no rest. Lonely in a sea of people Darkness in the light Tears flooding the mind Numbness in a world of feelings Pain with no relief Shame with no place to hide Alive with no purpose Love with no understanding Art with no inspiration Music with no notes Life in service to my emotions Empty smiles Matching the emotions of others Void Despair In a pit with no escape Anger for no reason Frustrated with no outlet Chameleon What is the point?...

Entry 3: I am trapped. I am shackled to the mercy of my thoughts. I am a slave to do their bidding. They want what I am unwilling to give. The void is almost a welcomed guest. The nothingness is better than feeling. Is that a good thing?

Entry 4: What can I do? I can still be kind to others.

Entry 5: Imagine for a moment. You are standing in a dark room. The warm light from the door illuminates the wall in front of you just enough that you can see masks. These masks show different emotions. Looking outside the room, you see people smiling and laughing. Knowing you are void of emotion yourself, you reach for the mask with a smile on it. Taking the mask in hand, it feels foreign but you wear it anyway. Slowly, you make your way toward the light, but you are apprehensive. What it they see through the mask? Stepping out of the door, the people see your smiling mask and you realize no one every truly knew the you without the mask. But reaching for various emotion masks in the dark of that room has become such a habit to cover the void that you are, that you see no other way. This works, so why change? Just accept that I will always be the void.

Again, looking back at these entries in my journal, I wonder how I made it through this time in my life. I really am thankful for the staff at the hospital for helping me through it. Their constant checking in on my well being, though annoying at the time, was welcomed and needed. Their encouragement meant a great deal to me, and I contribute a lot of my current stability to their hard work and dedication to help the patients in the hospital, even when they are having hard days themselves. I still find myself reaching for masks in the dark, but the emotions they show feel less foreign.

Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.

Some of you may be wondering where I disappeared to for the past three/four weeks in May. I hit an all time low and my thoughts of wanting to disappear into nothingness were getting to the point where I was scared that I might act, so with the advice of my mom and Darcey, I checked myself into the hospital. Though it was difficult to be in the hospital with no visitors except the other patients and staff, it was helpful to put into practice the techniques I was already aware of due to my schooling as an Applied Behavioral Science major. I suggest getting help if you ever feel like what I am about to share with you. This blog post will be the first in a series, sharing my journal of my emotions and thoughts while in the hospital. If you ever feel like this, please seek help

May 13, 2020 Entry 1: Purpose. Do I have one? What is the purpose of life? The Bible says it is to glorify God and spread his name to the world, but is there more than that? What have I accomplished in my 29 years of life? Sure people may miss me when I'm gone, but they would move on. Time would remarry, I'll just be a memory of times past.

Looking back on this journal entry, I was really struggling with doubt. I was doubting my faith, my worth, and my importance to the people in my life. However, with the help of medication that is assisting me in not dwelling on these thoughts, but accepting them as valid and then moving on, I am no longer doubting my purpose. I can now look forward and see what I want to do in life.

The next blog post will be multiple entries from May 14, 2020.