Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
May 18, 2020 Entry 1: Emptiness. A void of emotion. A place where worth and value ends. Where all that exists is nothingness. No positive feelings. No pain or despair. The void ceases to swirl in its violent way. Just an empty shell of human flesh. Still capable of reflecting emotions back to those around, but all they are is mere shadows of the original. Clever is this emptiness as it invades the deepest parts. Clever due to its ability to play pretend. So masterful in the art that others often fail to see beyond. I am the emptiness.
Entry 2: The void. On closer examination, my opinion has altered. Yes, I still believe it is like a swirling vortex of negative emotions, but also more. Think of the word itself. V-O-I-D. Like voiding a check. It is a verb as well. It acts by deflecting, rejecting, and nullifying. But in the sense of the void I have been referring to, what is it deflecting, rejecting, and nullifying? Light. Positive emotions, good thoughts. Worth. The list goes on.
Entry 3: Hello void. Hello nothingness. It's me. The person who you engulfed and are holding hostage. What is the ransom? How much longer am I to be consumed? Why, when I am starting to finally feel a smidgen of relief do you wrap your ugly, dark, cruel, sharp, and painful hands around my heart, mind, throat, stomach, and eyes? What have I done to deserve this? Will you ever let me go? Will I ever be free? Why is it that since you have been around, you make me want to run, hide, and cry all at once? I hate you. But you are almost all I know... GO AWAY!
Entry 4 (Sorry for the swear word): Why do the words of others hurt me so bad? Why does it matter what they think? Is it because of my past? Maybe... Is it because I am a words of affirmation person? Maybe? Or is it because I try so fucking hard to love others and see their perspective on things that when they judge and criticize me on stupid, insignificant stuff that I break down. The mask I was holding up for their benefit shatters and I try to escape into the thing I know. The all consuming void and nothingness that has been my constant companion for the better part of my life.
Entry 5: Miss L said to write something less saddening than I have been writing. I am not sure where to start... I talked with my aunt S today. It was good to hear her voice, though I don't remember much of what she said. Next was Darcey, he shared with me that the girls are still playing piano and Harley and Maevis apparently miss me. Finally, I had a conversation with my mom. I miss her hugs and the hours we spend talking about everything under the sun. All of these people love me and are praying for me to receive the help I need while I'm here. Here's hoping for a good sleep tonight...
Entry 6: Words I find amusing: Fiddlesticks, Baffled, Bamboozle, Befuddle, Flabbergasted
On this day, I was feeling pretty alright, but then someone criticized something I did and I started to spiral again. It was at that moment that I realized that I was not at a point where I should leave the hospital yet. Throughout the next few days, I came up with the goal of being able to face my negative emotions and not let them control me to the point of spiraling down into the void. Mindfulness techniques really helped in achieving this goal. That is not to say that I do not still have moments of feeling down, but I can bounce back easier.
