The past few years have been the kind of years where you can see God through all the pain and hardships, but the pain and hardships you endure are the sorts you would really rather not experience. I remember back in April of this year; I was exhilarated at the thought of being me again. Of diving into a new church family, developing the relationships with our families that had been suffering due to distance, and giving back to the community that God would place us in. I had grand ideas. Of walking with our dog every day on the greenway. Of investing in the lives of our neighbors and family and becoming someone whom they could depend on in times of need or as a listening ear. Of being Jesus to those who don’t know Him. Of loving those around us no matter the cost. Of participating in a church that we could call home. Of using the skills and passions which God has placed in my heart for His glory.

Then we moved. We moved to a beautiful city that feels like a breath of fresh air being surrounded by nature on all sides and watching the change in seasons. We found a church that feels like home and shares our values. We made friends and are walking through life with a community. We have seen our families more often in the last eight months than it seems like the last eight years separated by half a country (even though this isn’t true, it sure feels like it). Tim has a job, and I am enjoying school. Life is good. God is good. We are blessed. And we are content. But, am I really?

See, the past few months we have been attending a wonderful church and participating in a community group with a fantastic group of people who quickly became our friends. I love community group because it allows us to walk through life together. To share our highs and lows in an environment that fosters dependence upon Jesus and a vulnerability that is beneficial to our growth as believers and as men and women with a heart to serve. Yet, when it comes time to share our struggles and triumphs over sin, my mouth remains shut. When my heart is screaming to trust these new friends, my lips are sealed.

I can come up with many excuses and reason as to why this may happen, like:

I’m terrified

I have communication apprehension

I was abused when I was a child

I recently left a sour situation with a ministry

I am an introvert

I have nothing left to give

I’m shy

Yes, I may have been hurt in the past and find it difficult to trust those with whom I recently decided to call my friends, but do excuses make it okay to ignore the Spirit that yearns to fellowship and to be held accountable by voicing the deepest parts of my heart? Do I believe the hardships I have endured can be used by God to further the gospel (Philippians 1, NKJV)? I understand that it is foolish to simply speak with no purpose, but when the Spirit places something heavy on my heart, I should be more than willing to speak on those things. So, what is stopping me?

If only I could open my mouth and share the passions that I have with those with whom I am living life. If only I would allow myself to say aloud that I appreciate those around me. If only I do, without hesitation, that which the Lord places in my heart to do for others. If only….

I wish I could be the person my heart longs to be. To step out of my comfort zone and let God use me as He wills. To be the hands that serve, the heart that prays, the mouth that is quick to encourage, the ears that are always listening, and the eyes that see what others cannot. To ask if I can join in on an activity that sounds like fun. To invite people over to play board games, chat, and fellowship. To give back because I trust God to continually fill me with Himself because I cannot do it alone.

For those of you reading this, thank you for bearing with me when I am abnormally quiet in situations where it is more appropriate to talk. Thank you for allowing me to share these things via a blog post than in person because I can’t find the words to say in the moment. Thank you for loving me and walking through life with me when I sometimes do not give back in return. Thank you.

Please pray for me. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen in my heart and mind because of past experiences, but God is gracious and kind. He healed me from the pain of childhood abuse, so I know He will heal me from the brokenness that occurred during the past eight years. Please pray that one day, I will be able to walk with my head held high, healed, whole, and joyful, ready to serve and love those around me with everything I’ve got as I hold fast to Jesus. One day.

I have reached that point. The point that I knew I would reach in this process of moving. The point I’ve been consistently giving back over to the Lord because fear is not of Him. Over and over in the Bible He says “do not fear”, and even in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.”

But what is this point that I have reached, you may ask? The fear of the unknown.

The fear of leaving everything I’ve grown to know and accept for the past 7 years. The fear of not knowing what to expect as we move forward.

But then I remind myself, or rather, God reminds my heart, that He is with us no matter what.

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear no, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Matthew 28:20 “teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

He is there already preparing a place for us to call a temporary home in that little corner of Earth that He is entrusting to us for a time. He is already working in the hearts of those we will meet and share life with when we move. He is working in my heart and mind, placing dreams and passions I didn’t know could exist in my life a few years ago, in preparation for our journey that is before us.

Therefore, even through the fear and doubt, I know I can trust the One who has never failed me. I can boldly step forward one step at a time knowing that He will guide my foot. And that excites me. That feeling of joy, hope, love, and excitement for what may be even though I don’t know all the details yet. This is what keeps me going.

Packing one box at a time, painting one accent wall a week, setting up appointments for apartments, and purchasing plane tickets. The knowledge that I’m not doing this alone. Not only do I have the God that created everything before me, I have a loving family by my side. I am not alone. And there is comfort in that.

Matthew 5:1-12

Growing up, I always thought that the beatitudes were "be atitudes". This past weekend while visiting my parents church in Florida, the pastor explained the following how Matthew 5 has the eight beatitudes which corelate with Matthew 23 eight woes to hypocrites. As Christians, we should be growing in the beatitues as we grow in Christ.

Beatitudes - supreme blessedness.

The beatitudes are the path to humility.

1. Poor in Spirit.
   • Kingdom of Heaven.
2. Those who mourn.
   • God's comfort.
3. The meek.
   • Inherit the Earth.
4. Hunger & thirst for righteousness.
   • Utter satisfaction.
5. The merciful.
   • Shown mercy.
6. The pure in heart.
   • Shall see God.
7. The peacemakers.
   • Called Son's of God.
8. The persecuted.
   • Kingdom of Heaven.

Note that the same promise is given to the poor in spirit and the persecuted.

Hypocrite - a person who indulges in hypocrisy.

Matthew 23:13-34 Eight woes to hypocrites.

1. Hypocrites.
   • Not allowed into the Kingdom.
2. Hypocrites.
   • Devour windows.
3. Blind guides.
   • Inherit hell.
4. Greedy and lustful.
   • Empiness.
5. Appear as just.
   • Ignore justice, mercy, faithfulness.
6. White washed tombs.
   • Full of dead bones.
7. Brood of Vipers.
   • Son's of Satan.
8. Presecuters.
   • Death.

"Whatever God creates, Satan counterfeits."