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On February 4th, I woke up earlier than usual to make a 45 minute drive to Denton County’s courthouse. Why? Because I had been summoned to appear for jury duty. When the letter first arrived in the mail, unlike the majority of people who groan in annoyance, I jumped for joy. I had never been called upon for jury duty before and so I was excited to see what it was all about. I took time picking out an outfit to wear, trying not too look too professional, but not look like a bum at the same time. Made sure to leave a half hour earlier than needed to make sure I’d arrive on-time (I’m notorious for being late to everything, and getting lost).

As I drove to the courthouse, a sudden wave of panic arose within me. It took me by surprise, so I turned off the music I was listening to and started to think and pray about why I was having this fear rise up from the depths. Then it hit me. The last time I was at a courthouse was when I was 18 years old, terrified, on the verge of crying, and testifying against my dad. Back then, I had a small army of believers and family with me, praying me through. So I prayed “Lord, please use this time of jury duty to further heal me from the scars of my past.”

This was a very unexpected turn of events. What had started off as a fun venture into the unknown became a series of flashbacks, sweaty palms, and a strange sense of accomplishment. I hadn’t had flashbacks like this since the year following the moment I finally released the pent up story of my past. The Lord has healed me so much, and I had forgotten that the road to being fully healed is a long one. That is, until I started reading Mary DeMuth’s “Not Marked”. Praise the Lord that He has reminded me that I am still dependent on His grace and healing and I can’t do this on my own.

The first few steps I took across the parking lot to the courthouse building were rather timid, but as I released my fears to the Lord I entered the doors with confidence, knowing that I am not alone. Jury duty was rather boring at first. I walked into a big room with hundreds of chairs and not that many people. So I checked in and then made my way to the very back corner of the room so I could get a better view of what was transpiring in the jury selection hall. Soon the room filled to standing room only and a man came out and said that we only needed 244 of the crowd to stay to sit on jury.

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After a short video to explain jury duty to those who were newbies like me, the guy came back and started to read off names of those who would be staying. One Indian guy who was sitting next to me asked if I thought he could get out of jury duty because he travels every week, I told him I had no clue. Then we came to the last list of names and my name hadn’t been called yet so I was thinking, “Alright Lord, I guess You just wanted me to trust You to get me through this section and I can go back to work.” Then my name was called, “Alexandrea Wessner” and I quietly said/wimpered my “here” and waited for more instructions. As I made my way to the hallway to collect my red “ticket” that told me where to go next, I saw a familiar friendly face. One of the ladies from Gospel for Asia had been summoned too! Unfortunately she hadn’t been called like me, so she went home after we exchanged hugs, but it was nice to have a friendly face in the crowd of strangers who didn’t want to be there.

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After about 20 minutes, the bailiff came in and took the 32 of us to the courtroom we where we would be questioned and eliminated. Walking to the courtroom, I felt like my feet were like lead. So I kept praying “Lord help, Lord help, please help.” We all gathered outside the courtroom and they called our names in the order we would be staying in for the elimination process. I was first. So I got to walk into the courtroom first and find my seat to the far front right as the lawyers stared, not smiling, judging me and the other jurors the entire time. I felt so small, till my row slowly filled up. An hour of random questions later, and a few jurors making ridiculous comments and claims to get out of being chosen, we had a break for lunch.

I ate at Wendy’s because I couldn’t find anything else around. I don’t think I will ever eat out alone again… was so lonely! I was tempted to ask the elderly group a few tables away if I could join them just for company. Though, the kids meal toy was entertaining.

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After lunch we all piled back into the courtroom to be bombarded by more questions as the lawyers tried to feel us out and eliminate those they felt wouldn’t help their case. Soon, it was time for the elimination process. As we were waiting in the hallway for the lawyers and judge to eliminate, I saw this elderly lady, who was one of the jurors with me, reading a book by Charles Stanley called “Finding Peace”. Again, I felt the Lord encouraging me through even the title of the book she was reading!

Filing back into the courtroom, I had a feeling that I would be picked to sit on the jury. I don’t know how, but I somehow knew. Though I wasn’t prepared for them calling my name first. That was really weird. Walking through the door that divided the floor of the courtroom from the seats we were sitting in, following the bailiff to the jury box and finding my seat first. I couldn’t help myself, I was shaking a bit. Had to bite my lip to stop it from quivering as I sat there waiting for the other jurors to join me.

The rest of that day was a lot less stressful. The bailiff took us back to the juror room and we got the low-down on what was expected of us, we got our juror badges, and then went back into the courtroom to hear the first part of the trial. It was a case that was really low in Civil court, so it wasn’t a murder case or theft, it was a lawsuit. One lady was suing another lady for injuries that supposedly occurred in a car crash from late November 2009. Which I found interesting because 2009 was the year I sat in court against my dad. Coincidence? I think not.

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We listened to both sides for about an hour and then were dismissed to go home for the evening, but since it wasn’t over, we had to show up bright and early again the next day. So I went home and the next morning dressed a lot more comfortable than I had dressed the day before. This time when we got in the courtroom, it went a lot faster and before we knew it, we were back in the juror room discussing all the evidence that we were presented. It was a very easy decision on most of our parts, but we took a little longer discussing it than needed to ease the minds of those who had entrusted this decision to us as a jury. After about an hour of discussion, of which I’m surprised how much I spoke my opinion, we had 11 to 1 voting against the lady who was suing.

Back in the courtroom, we said what we believed the evidence showed and the lady came away with absolutely nothing. I kinda felt bad for her because she was obviously in pain because she had a degenerative disk disease, but she was not injured in the accident itself. So we were released from our jury duties and dismissed to the jury room again. In came the bailiff and the judge as they told us stories from prior cases and answered our questions.

Later, in the hallway by the elevators, the lawyers met us and asked us how they could improve in what they do and what we all thought about the case. I was tempted to tell them that each time one of them spoke I started to believe their side of the case even if what the other said right before made so much sense. Talk about tricky lawyers! Either that or I’m just too gullible…. Which could very well be the case.

As we took the elevators down to the parking lot, one of the lawyers stopped me as I was exiting and asked me about my mission work. He was like, “Hey! I wanted to ask you. Where do you work?” I said, “I actually work at Gospel for Asia out of Carrollton.” To which he said, “Do you travel places?” I responded, “Well, I went to India once but that was more of a ‘vision tour’ to see what is happening and such over there.” Then he asked, “Do you know any other languages?” I laughed and said, “None that I’m fluent in, but I do know a few words here and there in other languages.” Then he said thanks and walked away. I smiled and walked the other way thinking to myself “that was a tad odd, but cool at the same time.”

And so ended my jury duty experience. I later got $46 in the mail for my services, and my heart has healed significantly from the Lord walking me through that adventure. I look forward to my next journey to jury duty, if I ever get called on again. It’s cool how God really does use everything to grow you closer to Himself and to heal you from past pains.


Source: How the Lord Used Jury Duty to Further Heal Me

Not Marked

Today I just finished reading Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing After Sexual Abuse by Mary DeMuth. I first heard Mary speak at a blogging conference last year that I went to with Gospel for Asia to share about our blogging program. She mentioned using her gifts to glorify God and encourage others who went through sexual abuse through her writing. As soon as she briefly touched on her story, I felt connected in a way I still am trying to understand. A sense of community.

As soon as I got home that night, I looked up her blog and couldn’t stop reading. Her transparency with what happened, and then the way she articulated how the Lord is continually healing her spoke to me. So when she mentioned about self publishing the book Not Marked, I jumped at the chance to be a part of it. Why? Because I was sexually abused as a child for 9 years, I came to the Lord two years into it, He held my hand through it all and has been healing me since. Knowing what Mary said about healing is true, I wanted to back the book so that others who either haven’t started the healing journey yet, or are searching for answers can know they aren’t alone, there is hope, and God loves them unconditionally.

First off, I want to give praise to God for how He breathes life into those who feel used, abused, discarded and unloved. I want to praise God for how He is healing Mary, for how He is healing me, and for how He wants to use our pasts as a tool to walk with others as they heal. I give praise to God that when I told my story, I was believed and they helped me take the first steps in my healing. I praise God for Tim who read through Not Marked with me, who everyday encourages me and lets me know I’m loved.

To be honest, I started off this book with mixed emotions. I wasn’t sure if I would gleam anything from it because I had gone through therapy and as far as I could see, I was healed; but I was also extremely curious as to what Mary had to say… and so I read. I don’t think I got through the Introduction before the Lord began to speak to me through Mary’s words.

**I won’t go into too much detail, because I don’t want to give away what is in this book, but I will say a few things that the Lord said to me through it.**

In the introduction was a list. This list consisted of possible symptoms of sexual abuse that could be effecting us in our lives today. I was kind of skeptical at this point, after all, I’m healed right? So that means well… I’m healed and nothing from my past is directly “effecting” me right now! Boy was I wrong. As I read the list a few things stood out and I could clearly hear the Lord saying “Alley. Yes you may be experiencing some of these ‘symptoms’, however, I am using those to shape your character. I am using them in your healing. Yes you are heal-ING, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t come a long way. These are all ways you will be able to relate to others who have similar stories to you. Be patient, and keep moving forward.”

Wow. Okay. If the Lord was going to speak this much to me through just the introduction, I wasn’t about to pass up reading the rest of the book with my heart and mind open to His leading.

Not Marked has given me an interesting perspective on a few things as far as my own story goes. Before reading, I never really saw the importance in a community of people who have been abused, I never saw the point of “justice” when I already forgave my abuser, and I never understood how much it can effect a marriage.

I don’t know about others, but for me, I am finally okay with the idea of “community”. Serving with Gospel for Asia, I am well familiar with how community works in a Body of believers. Though, I never saw the importance of community with other women who have been abused and are in different points in their healing journey. But after reading Not Marked I feel a sort of “connection” with the people who helped back the printing of the book. I know… some of you are probably saying “duh” right now, but that was, I believe, one of the lies the enemy had me believing to make me feel alone as I healed. Which is stupid. I know I’m not alone. I know the statistics about sexual abuse. But my perspective has changed, to the point that I find myself looking around when at a restaurant and wondering “how many of these people were abused?” and “how many of these children will be abused before they grow up?” I look forward to the day the Lord shows me what He is going to use my story for. How will He use it to bring Himself glory and further His kingdom and encourage my brothers and sisters?

I also never really understood what the importance in “justice” was for my abuser when I already forgave him. See, when I forgive, I forgive like Jesus forgave me. I don’t hold it against him anymore! I can honestly say that I love my abuser with the love of Christ. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him and I pray for him daily. I was never even really angry with him. I saw “justice” as a sort of “revenge”. Yeah there are laws in place, and the law said he deserved time in prison, but I didn’t like it. But now. Now I understand. There are consequences for sin. “Forgiveness is not enabling”.

I knew a little of how, having been sexually abused, my future marriage will never be “normal” and there will be hurdles to overcome together, but through Not Marked, my eyes were opened to specific struggles that could occur. What was neat is that Mary’s husband Patrick writes a few paragraphs at the end of each chapter giving his perspective on what Mary wrote about in the chapter. It was cool to read how they are working together towards healing. Not just Mary’s healing, but Patrick’s as well.

Over all, I highly recommend this book to anyone who either was abused (even if it was just an unwanted touch), knows someone who was abused, or someone who wants to help encourage others toward healing. It was good for me to read, it was good for Tim to read. I really pray God uses this book in the lives of many men and women. That He uses it to restore and encourage.

I loved this one section Mary wrote from her letter to her abusers:

“Satan, you are not allowed victory in this arena. Jesus trumps your vile deeds. What you gleefully applauded in the darkness, Jesus heals audaciously in the light. You cannot and will not win. Light always, always, always pushes out darkness. Always. Your days are numbered, those who follow Jesus are sick to death of your sexual schemes against humanity.

We stand for healing. We stand for Jesus’s strength for the sake of future radically saved lives. We who know redemption are tired of miring ourselves in the painful past. Instead we will stand. We will dance. We will give our healed lives to rescue souls from the darkness. What Satan intended meant for evil, God makes a holy turnaround. We who desperately needed rescue are now agents of rescue, of reconciliation, of forgiveness.”

Thank you for reading my review of the book Not Marked by Mary DeMuth. I encourage you to read it. You won’t be disappointed.


Source: “Not Marked”