Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
May 26, 2020 Entry 1: How am I today. I am not sure. I am missing Darcey's birthday which is sad. I am not sure beyond that. I guess... maybe apathetic? or... blah? Nothingness? Not happy, not angered, not frustrated, not in the pit of despair... maybe a little lonely. A little apathetic. A little apprehensive. But it is one of those days where I seem to be almost a blank slate. Neither positive nor negative. We shall see if this blank slate swings one way or the other throughout the day, or if it proves to be impervious to outside or inside forces.
Entry 2: I am wondering how much I will us the phone today to call Darcey. My intention is to call him at least 10 times, but as I seem to be a slave to my emotions lately, I am curious what I will actually do.
Entry 3: Everything is rainbows, puppy dogs, and unicorns. Not really, but I figured I would see if writing that made me happier or if it would have any positive effect on me at all. It didn't. Experiment complete.
Entry 4: Well, I succeeded in calling once. So far. I promised to call once more at least, but I will try my hardest to call more than that. It's for his benefit, not mine, so I should be able to do this for him.
Entry 5: Home. It's where the heart is, right? Then why is my heart not "in it"? It doesn't seem to want to be "in" anything. Sure I want to hug and be hugged by those I love and those who love me. But I don't want to at the same time. Again, I ask... Why?
Entry 6: I've decided either Thursday or Friday to go home. Though my body has its typical fear response to the anxiety I'm feeling, I do think it is about time for me to try. For Darcey's sake. I think, maybe, also for my own sake. Therefore, I will focus on things that I would like to do WHEN I get home: Play with my dogs hug people Sleep in my own bed Groom myself Talk for hours with my mom Games call/text friends play piano and guitar caffeine!!
It was today, on Darcey's birthday, that I learned that the doctors thought I might want to start thinking about going home and what that all may involve. As I had tried to ignore the thought of going home due to feeling sick each time it was brought up, I was anxious. There were so many unknowns and that scared me. BUT I knew Darcey needed me. So I promised the doctors that I would consider it and chew through what I thought it might look like.
