Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
Some of you may be wondering where I disappeared to for the past three/four weeks in May. I hit an all time low and my thoughts of wanting to disappear into nothingness were getting to the point where I was scared that I might act, so with the advice of my mom and Darcey, I checked myself into the hospital. Though it was difficult to be in the hospital with no visitors except the other patients and staff, it was helpful to put into practice the techniques I was already aware of due to my schooling as an Applied Behavioral Science major. I suggest getting help if you ever feel like what I am about to share with you. This blog post will be the first in a series, sharing my journal of my emotions and thoughts while in the hospital. If you ever feel like this, please seek help
May 13, 2020 Entry 1: Purpose. Do I have one? What is the purpose of life? The Bible says it is to glorify God and spread his name to the world, but is there more than that? What have I accomplished in my 29 years of life? Sure people may miss me when I'm gone, but they would move on. Time would remarry, I'll just be a memory of times past.
Looking back on this journal entry, I was really struggling with doubt. I was doubting my faith, my worth, and my importance to the people in my life. However, with the help of medication that is assisting me in not dwelling on these thoughts, but accepting them as valid and then moving on, I am no longer doubting my purpose. I can now look forward and see what I want to do in life.
The next blog post will be multiple entries from May 14, 2020.
