Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
May 25, 2020 Entry 1: I feel weighted down. Like I am pinned to the hard, rough surface of Earth by a boulder too heavy for anyone to move. The boulder's weight pushes and presses me to where each breath becomes harder and more labor intensive. The points and edges are painful. It is hard to catch my breath. Try as I might, I'm stuck. Others come and go, each attempting to help or simply judging me for not being able to move the boulder, ad it is suffocating. I begin to feel hopeless and like it is my fault this boulder is slowly squishing the life our of me with each breath. Should I give up, or keep trying? All of my strength is gone so what hope is there for me? I know what the Bible says, but I find it difficult to believe.
Entry 2: Helping others, what does that even look like? I try to be there when others need assistance, or I will try to be preemptive, but what if all of my trying is not appreciated, then what?
Entry 3: My life is like holding tight to a frayed rope. The longer I hold on the more frayed it becomes. The hard part is that this frayed rope often rubs against rugged surfaces, damaging it even further. Sometimes I am too tired to hold on, so I slide down a bit and have to struggle to climb back up.
Entry 4: Am I losing my intellect and memory?
Have you ever felt like there was a boulder that just wouldn't budge sitting there stubbornly on your chest? It is suffocating and seems like it will always be there causing excruciating pain. BUT there is hope. You can find help. People will listen. All you have to do is admit that you need help.
