Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
This is the second installment in the journal series from my stay in the hospital.
May 14, 2020 Entry 1: I am of the opinion that even though I feel I have no purpose or worth, I can try my best to make others happy and not to worry them. The problem with this frame of thinking is the part where I try to depend on my making others happy at the cost of myself. At what point will I fall back into the void? At what point will it not be enough? Others are not reliable enough to sustain my longing to be whole. At which point, should I even stay around? Would I be remembered? What if my existence is causing others pain? I cannot handle that. So, in the end, I'm not worth it.
Entry 2: Tire, but there is no rest. Lonely in a sea of people Darkness in the light Tears flooding the mind Numbness in a world of feelings Pain with no relief Shame with no place to hide Alive with no purpose Love with no understanding Art with no inspiration Music with no notes Life in service to my emotions Empty smiles Matching the emotions of others Void Despair In a pit with no escape Anger for no reason Frustrated with no outlet Chameleon What is the point?...
Entry 3: I am trapped. I am shackled to the mercy of my thoughts. I am a slave to do their bidding. They want what I am unwilling to give. The void is almost a welcomed guest. The nothingness is better than feeling. Is that a good thing?
Entry 4: What can I do? I can still be kind to others.
Entry 5: Imagine for a moment. You are standing in a dark room. The warm light from the door illuminates the wall in front of you just enough that you can see masks. These masks show different emotions. Looking outside the room, you see people smiling and laughing. Knowing you are void of emotion yourself, you reach for the mask with a smile on it. Taking the mask in hand, it feels foreign but you wear it anyway. Slowly, you make your way toward the light, but you are apprehensive. What it they see through the mask? Stepping out of the door, the people see your smiling mask and you realize no one every truly knew the you without the mask. But reaching for various emotion masks in the dark of that room has become such a habit to cover the void that you are, that you see no other way. This works, so why change? Just accept that I will always be the void.
Again, looking back at these entries in my journal, I wonder how I made it through this time in my life. I really am thankful for the staff at the hospital for helping me through it. Their constant checking in on my well being, though annoying at the time, was welcomed and needed. Their encouragement meant a great deal to me, and I contribute a lot of my current stability to their hard work and dedication to help the patients in the hospital, even when they are having hard days themselves. I still find myself reaching for masks in the dark, but the emotions they show feel less foreign.
