The Adventures of Darcey & Watson

Today I just finished reading Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing After Sexual Abuse by Mary DeMuth. I first heard Mary speak at a blogging conference last year that I went to with Gospel for Asia to share about our blogging program. She mentioned using her gifts to glorify God and encourage others who went through sexual abuse through her writing. As soon as she briefly touched on her story, I felt connected in a way I still am trying to understand. A sense of community.

As soon as I got home that night, I looked up her blog and couldn’t stop reading. Her transparency with what happened, and then the way she articulated how the Lord is continually healing her spoke to me. So when she mentioned about self publishing the book Not Marked, I jumped at the chance to be a part of it. Why? Because I was sexually abused as a child for 9 years, I came to the Lord two years into it, He held my hand through it all and has been healing me since. Knowing what Mary said about healing is true, I wanted to back the book so that others who either haven’t started the healing journey yet, or are searching for answers can know they aren’t alone, there is hope, and God loves them unconditionally.

First off, I want to give praise to God for how He breathes life into those who feel used, abused, discarded and unloved. I want to praise God for how He is healing Mary, for how He is healing me, and for how He wants to use our pasts as a tool to walk with others as they heal. I give praise to God that when I told my story, I was believed and they helped me take the first steps in my healing. I praise God for Tim who read through Not Marked with me, who everyday encourages me and lets me know I’m loved.

To be honest, I started off this book with mixed emotions. I wasn’t sure if I would gleam anything from it because I had gone through therapy and as far as I could see, I was healed; but I was also extremely curious as to what Mary had to say… and so I read. I don’t think I got through the Introduction before the Lord began to speak to me through Mary’s words.

**I won’t go into too much detail, because I don’t want to give away what is in this book, but I will say a few things that the Lord said to me through it.**

In the introduction was a list. This list consisted of possible symptoms of sexual abuse that could be effecting us in our lives today. I was kind of skeptical at this point, after all, I’m healed right? So that means well… I’m healed and nothing from my past is directly “effecting” me right now! Boy was I wrong. As I read the list a few things stood out and I could clearly hear the Lord saying “Alley. Yes you may be experiencing some of these ‘symptoms’, however, I am using those to shape your character. I am using them in your healing. Yes you are heal-ING, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t come a long way. These are all ways you will be able to relate to others who have similar stories to you. Be patient, and keep moving forward.”

Wow. Okay. If the Lord was going to speak this much to me through just the introduction, I wasn’t about to pass up reading the rest of the book with my heart and mind open to His leading.

Not Marked has given me an interesting perspective on a few things as far as my own story goes. Before reading, I never really saw the importance in a community of people who have been abused, I never saw the point of “justice” when I already forgave my abuser, and I never understood how much it can effect a marriage.

I don’t know about others, but for me, I am finally okay with the idea of “community”. Serving with Gospel for Asia, I am well familiar with how community works in a Body of believers. Though, I never saw the importance of community with other women who have been abused and are in different points in their healing journey. But after reading Not Marked I feel a sort of “connection” with the people who helped back the printing of the book. I know… some of you are probably saying “duh” right now, but that was, I believe, one of the lies the enemy had me believing to make me feel alone as I healed. Which is stupid. I know I’m not alone. I know the statistics about sexual abuse. But my perspective has changed, to the point that I find myself looking around when at a restaurant and wondering “how many of these people were abused?” and “how many of these children will be abused before they grow up?” I look forward to the day the Lord shows me what He is going to use my story for. How will He use it to bring Himself glory and further His kingdom and encourage my brothers and sisters?

I also never really understood what the importance in “justice” was for my abuser when I already forgave him. See, when I forgive, I forgive like Jesus forgave me. I don’t hold it against him anymore! I can honestly say that I love my abuser with the love of Christ. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him and I pray for him daily. I was never even really angry with him. I saw “justice” as a sort of “revenge”. Yeah there are laws in place, and the law said he deserved time in prison, but I didn’t like it. But now. Now I understand. There are consequences for sin. “Forgiveness is not enabling”.

I knew a little of how, having been sexually abused, my future marriage will never be “normal” and there will be hurdles to overcome together, but through Not Marked, my eyes were opened to specific struggles that could occur. What was neat is that Mary’s husband Patrick writes a few paragraphs at the end of each chapter giving his perspective on what Mary wrote about in the chapter. It was cool to read how they are working together towards healing. Not just Mary’s healing, but Patrick’s as well.

Over all, I highly recommend this book to anyone who either was abused (even if it was just an unwanted touch), knows someone who was abused, or someone who wants to help encourage others toward healing. It was good for me to read, it was good for Tim to read. I really pray God uses this book in the lives of many men and women. That He uses it to restore and encourage.

I loved this one section Mary wrote from her letter to her abusers:

“Satan, you are not allowed victory in this arena. Jesus trumps your vile deeds. What you gleefully applauded in the darkness, Jesus heals audaciously in the light. You cannot and will not win. Light always, always, always pushes out darkness. Always. Your days are numbered, those who follow Jesus are sick to death of your sexual schemes against humanity.

We stand for healing. We stand for Jesus’s strength for the sake of future radically saved lives. We who know redemption are tired of miring ourselves in the painful past. Instead we will stand. We will dance. We will give our healed lives to rescue souls from the darkness. What Satan intended meant for evil, God makes a holy turnaround. We who desperately needed rescue are now agents of rescue, of reconciliation, of forgiveness.”

Thank you for reading my review of the book Not Marked by Mary DeMuth. I encourage you to read it. You won’t be disappointed.

Source: “Not Marked”

Along with the new year of 2014, my role at GFA is also slowly shifting to something a bit more in my area of enjoyment. I am being trained to help our Web Designer! With that training comes Photoshop and hours of watching videos on Tree House. I’m actually enjoying this so much that I find myself not moving for over an hour causing my legs to go numb and people being able to sneak up on me easier. In high school, I actually was leaning toward becoming a Graphic Designer and a missionary. Meaning this new role is right up my alley (Pun intended)! I am still working with Social Media marketing (for GFA and the new documentary coming out in March, Veil of Tears), Emails, web writing, and other various projects, but once our new School of Discipleship student arrives, I will be doing less Social Media and more web design and Photo of the Day. I’m so excited!!

Since I’m not quite a full fledged web designer yet, I am spending time practicing in Photoshop CS6 and creating random graphics as well as editing random pictures. Here’s one of my graphic images. Let me know what you think it means in the comments below!

Source: Exploring Photoshop CS6

Click to view slideshow.

It’s one of those days where I am glad the Lord has me serving Him at Gospel for Asia, but I just want to be home with my Mommy and brother. To snuggle on the couch with Mommy and talk in song till our voices are hoarse, then dance to the ending credit song of a favorite movie. Make some pancakes with chocolate chips in the shape of Mickey Mouse and hearts. To put together a puzzle while listening to Linkin Park with my brother playing a game on the computer in the same room. Spend time with my bro and teach him how to draw anime. To jump on the trampoline with my bro and then climb some trees, then lay on the floor looking at the ceiling and just talk.

I miss all those memories, and it’s times like these where I just sit here and remember all those good times and long for the closeness of a simple hug and whisper of “I love you”. I love my family so much, and it’s so hard to be away from them sometimes. However, it’s memories like these that remind me of what many thousands of families in Asia don’t have and why I am serving the Lord here at Gospel for Asia where everyday we see the light of Jesus shine through our brothers and sisters on the field. Ever reaching out in love to those who have no hope left and never knew just how much worth they have in Christ.

Praise the Lord for my childhood, for my family, and for the opportunity I have to love others in Jesus’ name.

Source: Feeling a little Homesick Today

Click to view slideshow.

This Thanksgiving, I had the wonderful privilege to travel up to good ol’ Pennsylvania to visit with my family. Tim also had the chance to get to know my family a bit better, and together we got to meet a new cousin of mine, Raegan, and my brother’s girlfriend, Jacqui. Over all it was a marvelous trip!

Praise the Lord we had 14 days to spend on vacation, and unlike most of my expeditions to Pennsylvania since moving to Texas, this was not a whirlwind trip, packed to the brim with meetings and get togethers; rather, it was relaxing and meetings were spaced out to where we could breathe between gatherings.

I titled this post “Where’s my phone?” because throughout the journey, it seemed as though I was always misplacing my phone, and so that phrase became a recurring theme of the trip. Thankfully, I had people with me who are a bit more observant and less forgetful than I am, so the phone was never truly lost.

I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Christmas is a close second, but Thanksgiving is definitely my number one. I love it because the family is much more relaxed, full of smiles, less crazy, and there is a feeling of warmth that envelops the whole. Yeah, there is quarreling amongst some of the children, and there may be some family drama in the underlying layer of the gathering, but over all we are just enjoying people’s company and expressing love towards each other the best we can.

I’ve always loved gathering with my family. I love them all so much! The hugs, the quick catching up, the energy, the smiles and laughter, the quirks, watching the kids play and playing with them when possible, watching my grandparents as they enjoy the company of those they love, the memories shared, the new memories being made… I love everything about them.

What made this trip better than the rest I think, is that it wasn’t just my family that made Thanksgiving enjoyable; it was my church family that made me feel welcome as well. What a privilege to be able to share with them a little bit of what the Lord is doing through Gospel for Asia because of their prayers and support! It was neat to see how the Lord isn’t just moving through GFA, but is moving through Calvary Chapel Chester Springs as well.

I also had the opportunity to see family I haven’t seen in a long time! Uncle Sue and Aunt Bob drove from Indiana to visit, Tim and I drove to Hamburg to visit with Jeremiah, Kristie, Madilyn, Gavin, Raegan and GranPat!

The last two days of our visit, my Grandparents took my mommy, Tim, Brandon, Jacqui and me to New York City! I have never been to NYC before, even though I’ve lived in Pottstown, Pennsylvania for pretty much my entire life. There we toured some of the popular touristy places, like Rockefeller Center, the LEGO store, the 911 memorial, a carriage ride through Central Park, a few Taxi rides (when our feet just wouldn’t carry us any farther), a random coffee shop, a few other places, and we saw the Broadway show Stomp!

Overall, it was a restful trip. Yeah we did a lot, but those events were spread out over 14 days. Originally it was going to be 13 days, but our flight back was cancelled due to an ice storm in Dallas the day we were scheduled to fly back. I’m not complaining though! That extra day was a blessing!

Thank you to everyone who I got to see on my trip, I would include everything that happened, but that would be like writing a small novel, so I’ll just leave you with this quick glimpse.

Source: “Where’s My Phone?” – Thanksgiving in PA

A little while ago (in August), my mom and brother went to visit State College because my brother applied to Penn State and they were checking it out. He recently got accepted to one of the branch campuses, but as they were visiting, my mom took a trip to where I used to go to school from age 2 1/2 –  5, State College Children’s House Montessori.

I can still remember every detail about that place. The walk up to the front door, the path I would take to the window to wave bye to my mom everyday and motion back and forth that I love her and she loves me (I love you 1, I love you 3, I love you 5, I love you 7, I love you 9), the playground out back where I learned how to use the monkey bars, the seat I would use to learn how to write my name, the teachers and some of the children that were there. I think this place is where my earliest memory is from.

The window where I’d say bye to Mommy

It was a little strange to have my mom and bro send me photos of the building. Almost like a blast from the past and I felt almost like I was having an “out-of-body experience”. For a moment, my mind went to my 5 year old self, walking through the halls of my memories, the smells, the feelings. It almost doesn’t feel real. Then my mom gave me the news that the school has closed, and she had to reach over a fence to even take the photos she gave me.

Montessori School view from the street

It really is strange how time changes things. Not even just the montessori school I used to attend, but the town I used to live in, Pottstown, PA. In just the 4 years or so that I have lived in TX, when I travel back home things are so different than they were. I’m not sure if I’m a big fan of how everything changes. I know it’s usually for the good, and it means that we are moving onto the next chapters of our lives, but something in me wants things to stay the same. Remain how they were so that I can revisit my past and remember things how they used to be. Maybe that’s just me, but I’m sure I can’t be the only one that feels this way at times.

Source: How Time Changes Things

“We know love by this, that He laid own His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the bretheren” – 1 John 3:16

Through the waiting process that Tim and I have found ourselves in, I have been praying for the Lord to grow me into the woman He created me to be so that I will be able to serve and be the “helpmate” that Tim will need one day in a wife. But what did that “woman” even look like? I was beginning to believe that I would never be able to attain that goal.

I’ve been hearing over and over again that I have a “strong personality” and the way it was brought up in conversation made it seem like that was a bad thing. Coming from my background, my family is full of “strong personalities” and I love each and every one of those personalities, though family gatherings can get to be a little loud at times, but usually full of laughter and understanding compromises in conversation. Compared to them, that was one quality that I never would have thought I possessed. In fact, before attending Gospel for Asia’s School of Discipleship, I’d say I was rather reserved and quiet, quite possibly due to my “voice” being damaged by my past abuse.

Through my year at Gospel for Asia, as I pressed into the Lord, my voice was restored and I suddenly was able to voice my opinions. God was renewing my Spirit, healing me from my past afflictions and redeeming my view of His sovereignty. I was happy, people were finally listening to me and asking my view on things. I could confidently bring my thoughts to the table instead of hide behind the protective wall I had built around me. I had developed a strong personality.

This past month I went before the Lord wondering why people were so concerned about my personality. How could that effect my relationship with Tim? That’s who God programed me to be, so why change it? For weeks I was praying, reading His Word searching for answers. Did people really want me to change who I was to fit into their idea of who I should be? Though I’m still learning what this all means, and I am FAR from attaining the goal, I thought I would share with you what I’ve discovered.

I’ve been reading this book called Fierce Women: The Power of a Soft Warrior By Kimberly Wagner and I have learned SO MUCH about what God has designed womanhood to mean. I’ve learned that a “strong personality” or rather, “Fierce Woman” is not a bad thing, but far from it. It can be a very good thing, but when used in the wrong way can be very destructive to the men in my life, not just my future husband.

I won’t go into everything she writes, and I strongly encourage you to pick up a copy for yourself (even if you don’t think you have a “strong personality”) but I will share something that stood out to me as I was reading today about the “Life-Giving Trio”, humility, grace and love.

Here’s a quote from the book:

“Love is painful. Love is vulnerable. Love plunges into relationship knowing it will encounter pain and rejection. Love I what compelled God to create, even while knowing man would rebel, knowing separation would occur, knowing the fall would require redemption in order for reconciliation to take place. True love requires personal sacrifice and sometime, even death.” (page 113)

Love. I thought God had already taught me as much as I could possibly learn about what it means to love. But when you really get down to it, love isn’t just serving someone when you see a need, possibly getting a “thanks” from it. No, love stems from the grace of God as a response to humility which is a response of the TRUE view of God. Love is choosing to lay down your desires, your passions, your opinions, your personal needs to serve someone else without expecting anything in return. It means asking the Lord to fill you so completely with His Spirit that it overflows to those around you, despite your fleshly desires. Considering it a joy to give of yourself, even if you feel there’s nothing left to give.

Yes you take care of yourself, but the way I see it, God can take care of you while you pour out His love to others. God knows our hearts, He knows our desires, He knows our needs more than we do. He put them there! A “Fierce Woman” is someone who is clinging onto God with everything she’s got, allowing the men in her life to be who God designed them to be and letting God be God. Encouraging men to keep pursuing God, making decisions, leading and being the head of the home as Christ is the head of the Church.

There are a lot more qualities of this “Fierce Woman/soft warrior” that I could talk about, but I just wanted to talk about love for a bit there. Maybe I’ll write again later. I’m still learning, and will probably be learning for the rest of my life, but from now on I will listen to God’s Truth about womanhood instead of the world’s lies.

Thanks for reading!

Source: Qualities of a True Woman: Love

On Saturday I bought a new friend. He was the most beautiful betta fish in Petsmart, so uniquely colored and fit my personality quite well. I brought him home and was thrilled to put together his new “home” with a soft leafy plant to rest on, and some barrels to hide in if it got too bright in the apartment. He seemed to like the stylish environment and swam around like a spaz for a few minutes, so I named him Zippy. Everything looked great!

Tim and I then decided to go watch Despicable Me 2, a great movie! When I came home that night, I went to the fish bowl to see how my little Zippy was adjusting. Something seemed off. He was sinking to the bottom of the bowl, so I tapped on the glass (I know… cruel) to see if he would move. He did… after about 10 slow taps. Good he wasn’t dead. Then he rose to the top of the tank and was struggling to swim down into the water. “That’s not a good thing”, I thought. So I pulled out my phone and searched Google for what might be wrong with Zippy.

I found a lot of answers to the problem, and then noticed that Zippy had some white fuzzy stuff on him. First thought was “That’s kinda gross…”, second thought was, “Uh… that’s no good.” and back to Google I went. Google was saying that I should probably go to a pet store ASAP to get some anti-bacteria meds for Zippy, and replace some of his water with warmer water, as it was rather chilly in our apartment. I wasn’t about to run to Petsmart again, so I decided to wait till the morning.

I wrapped a blanket around his bowl to hopefully help the temperature of the water after I added some warmer water to the bowl, prayed that the Lord would somehow spare Zippy, and then went to bed.

Sunday morning I woke up to find Zippy drained of almost all his color, covered in fuzz, and dead. POOR ZIPPY! Guess I’ll have to go get another Zippy, and this time look for fuzz on the fish before buying him. Was a rather rude awakening for a Sunday morning before church. But no worries, I won’t add him to my wall of dead animals in my bathroom. He will get a proper burial in the porcelain fishbowl.

The Ocelot skull I have on my bookshelf

two of the four dead things in my bathroom

At least Manibu/JD/Bait is still alive and thriving on my desk at work. 2.5 years and counting!

This is Manibu/JD/Bait all happily floating in his bowl

Source: RIP Zippy

So, when I was younger I used to love Halloween. The dressing up in to strange costumes, going trick-or-treating, the candy, the spiders, the creepy things, and cobwebs. But lately I really am finding Halloween quite disturbing.
Telling kids that it’s okay to dress up as demons and other demonic things, practically saying “it’s okay to worship the devil because it’s just one night”. I’m not a fan.
Driving down the highway and seeing billboards of things I’d really not like to have images of plastered in my mind, going to the store and having motion sensored skeletons yelling at me as I pass by, and the adrenaline rush that comes when something disgusting jumps out at me from somewhere unexpected.
I do love Autumn. It’s in fact, my favorite season of the year. The leaves changing colors on the rolling hills of Pennsylvania, the cooler weather that’s like a breath of fresh air after the intense Texas summers, the pumpkins and thought of Thanksgiving drawing nearer.
Why can’t we just skip Halloween and prepare for Thanksgiving? I mean, I love dressing up in silly costumes, but I can do that any day of the year… I’m just not a fan of the creepy factor. I’ve never liked horror movies anyways, so why have a day that celebrates it?
I remember when I was a teenager and my mom had my brother and I attend the churches annual Harvest Party that took place when all my friends would be out trick-or-treeting. I used to get so upset about having to skip out on that, but now I can see why she wouldn’t let us take part. Thank you Mommy for looking out for us. Like many things, I didn’t see the wisdom in your decision until I grew up, but thanks for not giving into our pleas to be like “normal kids” on Halloween.
I’m done ranting now. Sorry to those who enjoy the holiday, it’s nothing against you, it’s everything against the actual holiday itself.

Source: Not a Fan of Halloween

Heard from David Sedlacek yesterday at church and he mentioned something about a nationwide launch of the Alpha course which starts today I believe. The Alpha course is a 10 week course that the entire church in the Czech Republic is putting on to reach their nation for Christ. Regardless of the denominational background, they are uniting as the Body of Christ to break the bond of darkness that has swept through and closed hearts.

This is the video that David showed in church that they are showing in the Czech Republic. The phrase at the end of the video poses a question to the viewer, “Is this all there is to life?”

As well, here is a link to David’s blog to find out more about what he is doing

Alpha across Czech.

Please join in prayer for the lost in the Czech Republic, as well as the other nations around the globe that are closed off to the Gospel.

Another thing this video prompted in my heart was the curiosity (yet again) to find out from you all what you believe. So, if you don’t mind, could you vote on this poll and maybe start a discussion in the comment section (a civil discussion please) about what you believe and why?

Source: Does God Exist?

I was thinking last night while talking to Josh, who was visiting with us during a business trip, about how I love eyes. They are the first thing I notice about a person and I am fascinated with both the color, as well as the emotion visible in them. When I was younger I used to love blue eyes because they were so clear, and there was a lot of emotion to be seen in them. But I also found that the different shades of blue had a very different effect on me. Light blue eyes were rather intimidating because I felt the person could see right through me and it was impossible to hide from their gaze. Deep blue eyes would make me smile and I’d feel “safer” around that person because there was a genuineness to their gaze.

Green eyes reminded me of my step-dad and myself, and it was rare that I saw them in someone else. So I didn’t really pay much attention to them, because after all, I could just look in the mirror and see green eyes.

Brown eyes reminded me of my mom and bro, and really my entire family, so I never really took time to study them because they were so familiar to me.

Now people’s whose eyes would change color were a bit more interesting because you never knew what color they would be. Mine for the first 16 years of my life, or so, my eyes would change from blue to green depending on what I wore and the day. Now they’ve settled to different shades of greens and sometimes a greyish color.

But then I met Tim. He has brown eyes, yet they hold so much emotion. More emotion than I thought brown eyes held. They are softer than blue eyes and therefore make me feel safe. But not all brown eyes have this effect on me, only the eyes of those I’m most comfortable with. And so, I have enjoyed studying his eyes, and last night while I was looking at Josh and Patrick, and their blue eyes, I had no fascination with them like I used to have with blue eyes, but rather, I more enjoyed watching Tim’s eyes and the little inflections of emotion that would occur in them.

I’m not sure if I’d go as far as to say brown eyes are now my favorite color of eye, but I definitely now have a new appreciation for all colors of eyes.

What is your favorite color eye?

Source: Fascination with Eye Color