The past few years have been the kind of years where you can see God through all the pain and hardships, but the pain and hardships you endure are the sorts you would really rather not experience. I remember back in April of this year; I was exhilarated at the thought of being me again. Of diving into a new church family, developing the relationships with our families that had been suffering due to distance, and giving back to the community that God would place us in. I had grand ideas. Of walking with our dog every day on the greenway. Of investing in the lives of our neighbors and family and becoming someone whom they could depend on in times of need or as a listening ear. Of being Jesus to those who don’t know Him. Of loving those around us no matter the cost. Of participating in a church that we could call home. Of using the skills and passions which God has placed in my heart for His glory.
Then we moved. We moved to a beautiful city that feels like a breath of fresh air being surrounded by nature on all sides and watching the change in seasons. We found a church that feels like home and shares our values. We made friends and are walking through life with a community. We have seen our families more often in the last eight months than it seems like the last eight years separated by half a country (even though this isn’t true, it sure feels like it). Tim has a job, and I am enjoying school. Life is good. God is good. We are blessed. And we are content. But, am I really?
See, the past few months we have been attending a wonderful church and participating in a community group with a fantastic group of people who quickly became our friends. I love community group because it allows us to walk through life together. To share our highs and lows in an environment that fosters dependence upon Jesus and a vulnerability that is beneficial to our growth as believers and as men and women with a heart to serve. Yet, when it comes time to share our struggles and triumphs over sin, my mouth remains shut. When my heart is screaming to trust these new friends, my lips are sealed.
I can come up with many excuses and reason as to why this may happen, like:
I’m terrified
I have communication apprehension
I was abused when I was a child
I recently left a sour situation with a ministry
I am an introvert
I have nothing left to give
I’m shy
Yes, I may have been hurt in the past and find it difficult to trust those with whom I recently decided to call my friends, but do excuses make it okay to ignore the Spirit that yearns to fellowship and to be held accountable by voicing the deepest parts of my heart? Do I believe the hardships I have endured can be used by God to further the gospel (Philippians 1, NKJV)? I understand that it is foolish to simply speak with no purpose, but when the Spirit places something heavy on my heart, I should be more than willing to speak on those things. So, what is stopping me?
If only I could open my mouth and share the passions that I have with those with whom I am living life. If only I would allow myself to say aloud that I appreciate those around me. If only I do, without hesitation, that which the Lord places in my heart to do for others. If only….
I wish I could be the person my heart longs to be. To step out of my comfort zone and let God use me as He wills. To be the hands that serve, the heart that prays, the mouth that is quick to encourage, the ears that are always listening, and the eyes that see what others cannot. To ask if I can join in on an activity that sounds like fun. To invite people over to play board games, chat, and fellowship. To give back because I trust God to continually fill me with Himself because I cannot do it alone.
For those of you reading this, thank you for bearing with me when I am abnormally quiet in situations where it is more appropriate to talk. Thank you for allowing me to share these things via a blog post than in person because I can’t find the words to say in the moment. Thank you for loving me and walking through life with me when I sometimes do not give back in return. Thank you.
Please pray for me. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen in my heart and mind because of past experiences, but God is gracious and kind. He healed me from the pain of childhood abuse, so I know He will heal me from the brokenness that occurred during the past eight years. Please pray that one day, I will be able to walk with my head held high, healed, whole, and joyful, ready to serve and love those around me with everything I’ve got as I hold fast to Jesus. One day.