Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
May 19, 2020 Entry 1: I should just end it. I am a burden and a failure not worth keeping around. There are many ways in which I could give up. Some slower, some more painful, others quick. All these thoughts circle and create a vortex in my mind; consuming all that could have been good. I'm at the point where it feels like there is no point in continuing. I've lost the ability to "fake it". My masks are shattered. I've failed those who are trying so hard to help me. I'm a burden of a person, being told when to eat, when to try to be positive, and that I should keep trying to get better. But can't they see that I'm not worth it? Just let me fade away into nothingness. I am the void after all.
Entry 2: Should I fortify the masks of emotions, or should I try to break the habit of reaching for them? Is "faking-it" a bad thing? Sometimes it could be beneficial. But lately, I have not been able to tread water long enough. I can smile, laugh, and participate for a short while, and then I need escape.
Wow. That was dark and sounded hopeless. I am so glad that I am feeling better now. I do still reach for those masks, but I am not feeling that I should disappear, nor am I feeling that I am a failure. One step at a time is enough.
If you, or someone you know, is going through something like this, please, PLEASE ask for help. There is no shame in needing help.
