Disclaimer The following post shares a bit about one of the darkest moments in my recent life. I will be sharing some journal entries from my stay in the hospital this past May 2020 due to deep depression and PTSD symptoms. This in no way reflects how I am currently feeling, but my hope is that what I went through may help someone else who is or has gone through the same/similar feelings. This post may have some triggers, so I wanted to prepare you for the content.
May 24, 2020 Entry 1: I am a disappointment. I am disappointed in myself. I would say I hate myself, but that word is too harsh (so people say). So I strongly dislike myself. I'm weak. Falling into this pattern of relying on the void and masks to get me through the day.
Entry 2: Everyone here tries so hard to help the patients here, but here I am being a failure. People think I am feeling better, but all I am doing is reaching for my worn and cracked mask that just looks like i am a success and happy. But I am tired of reaching for that mask that is always within arms length. Why am I not getting better? At this rate, I won't get home in time for Darcey's birthday. He will be sad. I might not even get back before M and V leave. Why am I letting so many people down? It would have been better if I never got involved with people. Maybe I should just disappear so I no longer have the capability of hurting and disappointing others.
Again the fingers of worthlessness and feelings of being a failure and burden to others was plaguing my mind. I felt that even though my outside showed a happy Watson, my insides were proving treatment a failure. It is a slow and painful process, but worth getting the help I needed. Now I can look back at these down days and notice how much better I am currently feeling. God is good and he has gifted so many doctors and nurses with the ability to help.
